The old boat, with her ragged sails and weather-beaten facade, has at long last been brought in to port. Her final voyage was difficult, and even just entering the harbor was a dangerous enterprise. Just beside her, my new vessel is getting a fresh coat of paint just before she embarks on her maiden voyage. As we enter the three-day weekend, I leave my old company and set out again in my web consultancy.
Thank goodness these final activities coincided with a three-day weekend.
But, they didn’t, did they? My original proposed date for this transition was two weeks ago, but that was vetoed for the end of this month. My most loyal clients signed with my new consultancy weeks ago, and now I have time to address the questions from the late stragglers. Is it just the luck of the calendar that, having become so weary, I am now granted rest?
My business cards with my finalized logo (not yet on the site) will arrive the day before I take my first meeting as a fully independent consultant. Simply luck? Is it reading too much into the rapidly fluctuating circumstances to read a higher order here?
No, on second thought, I must not be so low as to thank “goodness.” That’s ingratitude of the highest order. It is the Beloved, my old friend and a presence of God, here again with me now. It is His doing that just now, when I am so weary, I may rest. It is His doing that just now, when some old relationships reveal themselves to just be based on convenience, other relationships reveal unexpected love and trust. I am uneasy just as I am comforted. I am ashamed that I have at times been so stressed out that I became angry and upset, but I am simultaneously delighted. And beneath the conflicting selves, underneath the duality, I have returned to stillness and faith, fully, just here. For I sense that I have been liberated, once again, from a false self.
Yes and again yes, our mindfulness and meditation practices ready us for the chaos. Our prayers and the glory and grace of the Divine lay just under the flux of individual mind that so blinds us. Yet, being human, we will still be pierced through as we sail these seas. We will become angry and upset, and we will be ashamed. Such it is, to be alive, and it’s a wondrous thing.
For we do not know what serves us best. The Beloved knows and prepares the way, and He comforts us even as He takes away our most dangerous toys. What can be lost, other than a Child of God’s temporary plaything? How can our attachments be disentangled, except by such weeding and plucking? How can our faith be steadied and become the blinding light that pours out of hearts and eyes, except by uncertainty and discovered courage? Every whirlwind that comes your way frees you from a false self.
I mean no disrespect to those who have fought in armed conflict this Memorial Day. Yet, still, let us also take a moment to remember a false self we gathered who recently died in the conflict of life… all these people and things we thought we were, that the Beloved helped us to climb out of. Take a single pause between breaths in memory of your false self. Thank God we were not so little as we dreamt! Again and again, we forge these lovely little eggshells and then climb out of them.
Refined, refreshed, reborn. Newly radiant, time and again.
The storms spin around us and within us, polishing the core until the holy light pours out of the stillness and silence.